The Electronic BabysitterSince becoming a mum, you have lost control of the remote. It's now set to cartoons. The chance of you getting to put your feet up with a Come Dine With Me repeat is nil. You can sing all the theme tunes to your children's favourite shows word perfect, but you haven't watched the news for three months. Dumbing down indeed. Image | Corbis.
Toilet TripsYour ability to hold in wee takes on Superman like strength. Yes, you're desperate, and if you happen to be near a waterfall or running tap you're in trouble, but before you can help yourself, there's toys to find, bottoms to change, fish fingers to grill. Your comfort be damned. Image | Corbis.
Cold CoffeeParenthood really makes you appreciate the small things. Like a hot drink. Not even hot, just warm. Okay, not even warm, just vaguely tepid and before it grows a film over the top. You've learnt to accept, even appreciate, the taste of microwaved tea and coffee. Image | Corbis.
Style Of Your OwnRemember your glossy, flowing locks? Well, what remains of your hair after the four month post-baby hormone exodus is now fixed permanently into a pineapple atop your head. A bun is the only way to stop your baby using it as a swing, a chew toy, or something to clean her hands with after a slap-up dinner of puréed avocado. Image | Corbis.
No Sex. Please.Even if you haven't got baby in your room with you, you're too tired for the bouncy-bouncy bonanzas of yesterday-year. These days, your idea of eroticism is Googling five star hotels with free kids clubs.
Social ButterflyYou don't have girls' nights' out so much as toddler play dates in these days. Rather than getting on your glad rags and expecting a night of gossip and giggles you wear denim and expect a few long hours of playing 'there's a funny smell - whose child has the dirty nappy? Please let it not be mine' and barking like a fish wife over your friends' heads. Image | Corbis.
Pretty PinsShaved legs? Don't make me laugh. Those valuable five minutes could be spent scrubbing biscuits out of a car seat. They'll only grow back anyway. Image | Corbis.
Missing MarblesYou used to forget where you put your car keys, now you forget to put your shoes on before you go out for a drive. Yes, mothering has certainly taken it's toll on the old, grey matter but it's all been worth it to have your little, er, Whatsisname, in your life. Image | Corbis.
Be SupportiveAh, underwired bras look so pretty and delicate - and make your Pinky and Perky look just that again after months of nursing... But they're such a hassle to wash, and they're uncomfortable to sleep in and you now need support 24/7. Grey grandma bras it is then! Image | Corbis.
Small TalkConversation is dead. You can't concentrate when your mini me is eating the sandpit. So you and your acquaintances bark questions at each other, knowing full well you'll never hear the answers. You're too tired to be offended that no one listens to you anymore. Image | Corbis.
Pocket StopSo what if dresses suit your body shape best, you are glued to your trousers, because trousers have pockets to stuff full of tissues, dummies and spare socks. Image | Corbis.
Dirty Stop-inLate night fun is not worth the early morning hell that comes with kids. They don't care if mummy had two glasses of Pinot Noir and is feeling a little sub par. So now, nights out start in the afternoon with the eternal aim of having had enough fun to not mind going to bed at your usual time... 8.30pm. Image | Corbis.
Fine DiningRemember those days when you'd try out new restaurants and eat your way around the world? Now, not so much. You eat your way around leftovers discovered on various plates, surfaces and items of clothing. Humous is as exotic as it gets. Image | Corbis.
Your Childless FriendsThose people you shared your life with... Gone. If they haven't got kids of their own they will find you boring (they have a point, why can't you shut up about weaning?), dirty (and not in a good way) and self-centred (there is more to life than your post-baby diet). Who can blame them? Image | Corbis.
Click here for 10 signs that your toddler's social life is better than yours.