Close Close
Mother and Baby

Giles Coren: ‘Kids-Only Zones On Planes? Count Me In!’

Giles may not be able to escape children irritating him while travelling long-haul, but M&B’s dad columnist has a cunning plan

The budget arm of Singapore Airlines is offering passengers the opportunity to books seats on its aeroplanes in a guaranteed baby-free zone for as little as £10 a ticket.

Wahey! Bargain. Include me IN! There is simply nothing worse when settling down for a nice quiet flight (with a large gin and tonic and a gripping in-flight magazine) than hearing, just as the steel bird lumbers into the air, the brain-splitting ‘Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh’ that tells you a baby is on board.

Child-free planes, please

No matter how sweet they look in the check-in queue, the moment the air pressure gets to their ears, they’re off. And, if they’re not crying, they’re running up and down the aisle screaming, throwing their food around, weeing everywhere or playing Happy Chicken on their mum’s iPhone. How anyone can be expected to relax and enjoy a flight under such conditions is beyond me.

So, if airlines are going to start creating areas where under-12s are banned, then I’m all for it. In fact, make them bigger. Make whole planes child-free. In fact, ban children from the air!

Wait. I’ve got two children. Bugger. One is two-and-a-half, the other four months. So, if I can hear a wretched little fat-ball yodelling its blithering guts out when I’m trying to snooze, it’s probably one of mine. And will be for some years to come. So I won’t be able to make use of these excellent brat-free enclosures.

Back in the day

We need a better plan. Hang on, let me think. I know. When I was a kid, my parents used to fly First Class while my sister and I sat back in Economy. And that was before in-seat entertainment. We just had to sit there reading for 12 hours while our parents ploughed into the caviar and Champagne up front.

The deal was we were allowed to visit them for two minutes to say goodnight, as long as we didn’t speak. This would probably be frowned upon now as poor parenting. Although, reasoned my parents, what harm could we possibly come to in a locked vessel at 35,000ft?

So, instead of creating a special no-kids zone (for loveless selfish losers who have shirked their evolutionary responsibility to replenish the race), maybe the airlines should make kids-only zones. They could design a soundproof pen at the back of the plane into which all the infants, toddlers and pre-teens are simply herded, then locked in with a few Mars bars and a bottle of water until the flight is over.

That way, we grown-ups could get on with the simple, elegant business of international flight without being deafened by mewling devil spawn – our own or anybody else’s.

 
Related content:

Comments

No comments have been made yet.


Win an award-winning aden + anais swaddle pack
Win an award-winning aden + anais swaddle pack

Click here for your chance to win an award-winning aden + anais swaddle pack

Pampers Baby-Dry
Win a 1 month supply of Pampers Baby-Dry nappies

Enter now for your chance to win a 1 month supply of Pampers Baby-Dry nappies PLUS £100 John Lewis voucher.

Lemonade Money
It’s time to make sure your loved ones are protected

Every parent knows the importance of planning ahead; from the new school shoes, to your little one’s education, you want to fill their future with hopes and dreams. Yet are you one of the 80% of adults here in the UK that has no life cover?

Win an NCT antenatal course
Win an NCT antenatal course

Click here for your chance to win an antenatal course with NCT and make sure you're baby ready.

How to deal with nappy rash with Superdrug's My Little Star range
How to deal with nappy rash with Superdrug's My Little Star range

Nappy rash is painful for parents as well as for your baby. Read Dr Pixie's guide to learn how to deal with nappy rash…

Celebrating parenting's small wins
Celebrating parenting's small wins

As mums, we're constantly told to enjoy every moment; in reality, parenting can sometimes be challenging. That's where small wins come in...

Mother and Baby April
Subscribe to Mother&Baby

Be the best mum you can be and let Mother & Baby guide you along the way. Each issue is jam packed with REAL advice from mums just like you. Subscribe today & get a free welcome gift!

Ovulation Calculator
Ovulation calculator
Trying for a baby? Work out when you're most fertile to increase your chances of getting pregnant with our easy-to-use ovulation calculator.
Pregnant woman
Due Date Calculator

When is your baby due? If you’re having trouble remembering dates and counting up the days on your fingers and toes, don’t worry – use our due date calculator.

Get M&B in your inbox!

Sign up to Mother&Baby today and get news and advice about your body and your baby straight to your inbox every week.