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What You Really Don't Want To Hear When You're Pregnant...

Everyone has a war story to share or sage advice to impart. Why won't the world just shhhhhhhhh?
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'I'm having more sex...

And feel more sexy now I'm pregnant than I've ever felt before!'
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'You can't really eat for two...

That's daft. Your child spends the first six months no bigger than a mango. So you can have the equivalent of an extra apple and a glass of milk.'
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'Breastfeeding doesn't burn 500 calories a day...

So don't rely on that to burn off those cheesecakes you're ploughing through, Miss Piggy.'
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'Skinny jeans...

And crop tops are the hot look of this season.'
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'There's a free...

Champagne bar tonight! Let's go!'
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'Do you...

Want to be my bridesmaid?'
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'It's best to keep breastfeeding until they're three...

If you want your child to be well-adjusted and intelligent.'
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'You mean you haven't...

Started playing Mozart to your belly yet?'
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'Sorry, madam, we've run out of Haagen-Dazs...

All we have is frozen yoghurt.'
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'What do you mean pregnancy has made you spotty and sweaty?

I feel radiant. I'm positively glowing.'
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'Really? That is an...

Interesting choice of name.'
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'My boobs fell to the floor...

Like Spaniel's ears after my first pregnancy.'
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'I think you're being a bit dramatic talking about your aches and pains...

You're not ill. You're just pregnant.'
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'I've found the perfect...

French cheese shop.'
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'Stretch marks are Mother Nature's way...

Of tattooing your bravery on you for eternity.'
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'I think I'd refer to it as a bit baggy now...

My nether regions, that is.'
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'I didn't use any drugs and child birth was a fabulous experience...

She shot out in two hours and I didn't tear. But I had been doing my Kegel's since before I conceived.'
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'I used every drug and child birth was a ghastly experience...

She finally came out after 43 hours in labour. And I had been doing my Kegel's since before I conceived.'
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'You will never sleep soundly again...

Even when they're 25, you'll be worried about who they've fallen in love with, or how their boss treats them. Any peace of mind you had is essentially gone for ever.'
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