When you always feel like you've forgotten something and never feel like you've got the time to indulge in a Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathon, you know you're a working mum. Here are some other clues.
You'd like to try to form an opinion on the working vs stay at home mum debate but you're too busy. Instead of defending your decision, you're just trying to send an email while your offspring jump on your head.
I Love The Nightlife
You have to skip the majority of after work pub outings, and live vicariously through the 'young people' in the office, as you've taken to calling them since you became a parent and aged 44 years overnight.
Getting out of the door on time each morning feels as monumental as the end of Escape To Victory. You could fist bump the milkman as you leave the house you feel so pleased with yourself.
You're secretly relieved that, even though your job is hard and your boss can be a monster, you are not being followed around all day by a tiny, whining person with snot issues. Your colleagues can be immature but they have nothing on your child when he's not allowed to squash Cheerios into the carpet.
Instead of worrying your husband could run off with the nanny, you'd consider donating him to her - just so long as she didn't leave. She's better with a Hoover than he is.
Wearing lipstick makes you feel as glamourous as Rita Hayworth. After your maternity leave, when you were lucky if you got to take a daily shower, wearing makeup is fabulously decadent - even when applied in the lift at work.
Your idea of throwing a dinner party is to dash to M&S food hall in your lunch break, heat up ready made meals in the microwave, throw away the evidence and get everyone sozzled so they won't suspect anything. Copious amounts of Pinot Noir is a cure-all you've discovered.
Let's Not Get Physical
The notion of going to the gym is laughable. Ha ha ha! You don't even have time to look at your husband anymore. As if you fancy spending what, er, free time you have staring at yourself in a full length mirror while you're on an elliptical trainer wearing Lycra!
Travelling in time
You've stopped moaning about your commute. After all, when else can you read a book or magazine without being pestered, or listen to your iPod without worrying you're missing out on the warning bells of disaster coming from the playroom.
A nip to the loo in the office is like a trip to a day spa. Weeing has never felt so good. You can sit, take your time and muse about what you fancy for lunch without a disgruntled audience hurling Lego at you.
Caffeine is your drug of choice. After childcare costs, your biggest expenditure is on cappuccinos. People may judge. You're in a froth-induced state of denial.
You've given up looking chic and professional. You're just aiming for clean and presentable. Clothes that can be freshened up with a wet wipe fill your wardrobe. Anything without a stain is saved for big meetings.
You make notes about children's birthday parties during conference calls. You just hope you don't slip up and refer to your boss as Bob the Builder.
Working Mum's Club
You have a new appreciation for Karen Brady, Heidi Klum and Myleene Klass. In fact, you think if you ever met them, you'd become really good friends and swap tips on how to handle rude play school teachers.
You can't help but envy those mums who get to stay at home and get covered in kisses, slobber and breadstick crumbs all day. But for right now, you're going to keep doing the best you can, with a foot in both worlds, and pray that you're doing the right thing.
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