Things That Are Guaranteed To Happen To You As A Mum - That You'll Never Admit
Motherhood isn't just about exhaustion and all-encompassing love. There's a lot of secret shame thrown in the mix too. But understand, while you're worrying about just what kind of an harassed harridan you've turned into, all the other mamas are feeling the same...
Sarah Ivens
A bum deal
You have piles in the bottom area. They remind you of those purple plastic bunches of grapes you see hanging from the ceiling in cheesy trattorias. You can no longer face microwaved lasagna or focaccia in such an establishment. [Corbis]
Crazy, crazy nights
You'd never admit this to your fun friends, but going to a bar or club is a kind of scary thought. You'll either feel too old and cry into your drink, or be so pleased for the child-free release you'll be the embarrassing one, twerking in the DJ booth by midnight. Neither is a good look. [Corbis]
Toddler tourette's
You will suddenly notice you mutter 'please shut up' under your breath repeatedly like a crazy person. Add a swear word in the middle on occasion - probably when your child is screaming in traffic or has bellowed 'Nooooooooo' in your face for the 1,000th time. [Corbis]
The death stare
You will develop the ability to melt ice with one raised eyebrow and an insincere smile. This will be aimed mostly at your husband, although your mother and mother in law are likely victims too. Who can expect to question a mother about what she's feeding her child when she hasn't slept for a week and not expect to get a filthy look? [Corbis]
Showoff-itis
You will honestly believe your child is the most beautiful, intelligent, gifted, witty creature to ever grace the planet. So what if he won't share, eat vegetables or sleep through the night - he's just expressing himself. With a brilliant brain comes sacrifices. [Corbis]
You crave a glass of Sauvignon
You start to truly value booze. You dream about crisp, chilled glasses of white wine and are even tempted to hit up the out-of-date Bailey's left over from Christmas after the bedtime routine. [Corbis]
Asymmetrical assets
Despite declaring you don't care, you'll secretly hanker after a boob job. Pregnancy and nursing has left you with one significantly jauntier and bigger breast than the other and not even a highly-patterned pussy bow tie blouse can disguise it. You will honestly believe your child is the most beautiful, intelligent, gifted, witty creature to ever grace the planet [Corbis]
The M diet plan
While pretending to be interested in juicing, organic fruit and the benefits of a macrobiotic regime, your diet actually consists of cold fish fingers, humous straight from the tub and peanut butter by the spoon. Protein is a thing now, though right? [Corbis]
Truck that!
You can now distinguish between a digger, a crane and a tractor... And can perfectly mimic the sounds of all emergency vehicles. This is a talent - when you were young and wild - you never wished for on any level. [Corbis]
Wee machine
You now pee your pants a little if you laugh too hard, drink too much or jump too high. Expect to leave a puddle if you ever raucously leap on to a trampoline at a summer fete after a glass of Pimm's. [Corbis]
Gratitude attitude
You are thankful for things in a new way. Not deep and meaningful stuff your childless friends are - like sunsets, inner peace and Elgar. You're happy to go to the loo on your own, finish a cup of tea while it's still warm and to be wearing a clean t shirt. [Corbis]
