Ever since one mum confessed on an online message board to keeping a glass of water by the bed for, er, post-sex cleaning (Google ‘penis beaker’ NOW!), it got us wondering what else we never thought we’d talk about until we had kids.
We've rounded up the surprising topics du jour now you're a mum...
1) Fancying kids’ TV presenters
To the non-parents of this world, Justin Fletcher (aka Mr Tumble) may just be a man who does a good clown impersonation. But, to many a mum, he’s a pin-up rivalled only by Mark Owen from your teenage years. Or that other CBeebies hottie, Andy. The only explanation is they keep your tot occupied for a whole 20 minutes…
Yep. Pre-baby, you may have briefly touched on it that time you went backpacking around India, but bowel movements are usually a no-go area. Until you become a parent. When, suddenly, there’s just so much to say – the colour, the shape, the texture, the frequency.
There’s also a hushed tone reserved for that gruesome toddler phase of *whisper it* smearing.
3) Your new code
Almost before your toddler can string a sentence together, he’ll have an uncanny knack of understanding treat-related words – think ‘ice cream’ or ‘biscuit’.
So what starts out as a simple technique to keep him in the dark (by spelling out the word) can develop into something of an obsession, putting your and your partner’s Boggle skills to the test. (Ditto swear words.)
4) Eating the baby’s snacks... again!
Having delivered toast to your toddler and porridge to your baby, you’ve consumed nil breakfast yourself. And now you’re rushing to soft play. But what’s this in your bag… You think you’d be sick of the sight of purée after spending 20 minutes trying to get it off your blouse, yet now you’re downing blended apple from a jar. Or is that just us?
The colour, the size, the before and after, even how they feel… What the hell, we might as well just whip ’em out. Being obsessed with our breasts is a sign of how liberated we are now – plus, our toddler’s always pulling our top down in public anyway.
Speaking of which, what is the etiquette when someone else’s kid shoves their hand down there?
6) Sex bargaining
You’ll do that thing he likes if he makes the baby’s breakfast. And he’ll return the favour if he can skip the night feed. Sometimes your sex life is all about negotiation, and striking that balance between passion and good old productivity. And you’re not ashamed to admit it!
7) Delivery room dramas
Throughout pregnancy, you avoided labour stories but, as a new mum, it’s disturbingly easy to talk second-degree tears and mid-contraction vomiting with women you barely know – or even a stranger on the bus. Give us one, ‘So, how was your birth?’ opening and we’ve got all the gory details, hand gestures and facial expressions needed to set the 24-hour scene.
Motherhood isn't just about exhaustion and all-encompassing love. There's a lot of secret shame thrown in the mix too. But understand, while you're worrying about just what kind of an harassed harridan you've turned into, all the other mamas are feeling the same...