Throw your thesaurus out of the window – now you’re a parent, certain words have an entirely different meaning
Before parenthood, a meltdown was what happened when Zara didn’t have those floral cropped trousers in your size. Now, after your tot has screamed throughout the entire supermarket shop, after which you realise you’ve left your purse at home, you realise your own tantrum efforts were pathetic. [Corbis]
You never really took much notice of it before. Now it’s your new obsession. You count hours. You compare notes with other mums. You even think getting a full 90 minutes before your baby’s next feed is an achievement. [Getty]
Previously that relaxing, time of day when you would catch up with your partner over a plate of beef stroganoff and a glass of wine, depending on whether you have a baby or a toddler, dinner now either means snacking standing up with your baby in a sling or it means airplane sounds, dribble and lots of cleaning up. [Corbis]
Staying in bed until 12 noon? What a crazy idea. You’re lucky to get until 7am in bed now. [Corbis]
Pre-baby, going out would include a lengthy ‘getting ready’ period, plus time for pre-drinking, bar crawling and a McDonalds on the way home in the early hours. Now it involves waiting for a babysitter, settling your baby, then a speed wine session in your local. [Corbis]
Forget notions of lazing on a sun lounger for a week solid, your holiday schedule will now be filled with playgrounds, nap times and sunburn anxiety. [Getty]
Nope. No idea what this means. This is no longer part of your vocabulary. [Getty]
The only feeds in your life before involved the cat, but now your baby’s demands rule your life. [Getty]
Even if you don’t go down the whole babysitter path, just a catch up on the sofa with wine is an achievement. That counts, right? [Getty]
Forget flowers as a loving gesture – it’s now about your partner doing the morning shift, so you can have a lie in. [Corbis]
You used to relax in a bubbly bath with a book in hand. Now you relax when your baby’s GP has given him the chicken pox all clear. [Corbis]
What used to be a once-a-week wipe of the surfaces and a whizz round with the vacuum cleaner is now a never-ending cycle of washing, mopping and scrubbing. [Corbis]
Showering after lunch, wandering around shops, necking Tequila slammers and nursing a day-long Sunday hangover has been replaced by food shopping, baking, trips to the park and Disney films. And actually, that’s OK. [Corbis]
Something that rarely occurs – and when it does, you’re not sure what to do with yourself. [Getty]
Pre-baby you felt on top of things when your fridge was full. Now, you’re juggling playdates, childcare, meals, bathtimes and bedtimes. Hello, superwoman. [Corbis]
This used to be when you couldn’t stop yawning during your mid-morning meeting because you had had a late one the night before. Now it refers to a zombie-like manner that has stuck around, well, since your baby arrived. [Corbis]
Your friends used to be the people you went out with and generally hung out with. Now they’re the ones who offer to babysit while you get some shopping done or are happy to pop over for coffee with you and your tot – and they even wash up their own mug afterwards. [Corbis]
This used to be a leisurely day out, with plenty of time for trying on outfits and maybe even a cheeky manicure squeezed in. Now it’s ten minutes browsing baby clothes online while your little one’s down for his nap. [Getty]
No longer something that just marks the start and end of work, you’re now acutely aware of every minute of the day. What time your baby’s next feed is due, when should be bathed, and oops, you’re late for his doctor’s appointment. [Corbis]
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