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Giles Coren: ‘I’ll Let Kitty Date Anyone – As Long As He’s A Dentist’

No man will be good enough for Giles’ little girl – unless he makes a living peering in people’s mouths and can wait 47 years to meet her

Robbie Williams has said he hopes that, when his daughter Teddy grows up, she does not fall for a man like him. As the father of a three-year-old girl myself, I have to second that. I hope my daughter does not fall for a man like Robbie Williams, either. Vain little tattooed dancers, however rich and famous, are the last sort of man I want for my Kitty. So, then, who will do?

'No father wants his daughter to fall in love with another man at all'

It is an old cliché that no father wants his daughter to fall in love with another man at all, and I always thought I would feel the same way. But then, the first time I held my newborn daughter in my arms, I realised that my job is to look after her as well as I possibly can, until someone else comes along who will love her as much as I do, and look after her when I’m gone.

The quest begins

But who? Who? For God’s sake, please not an older man. A boy in the year above at school, fine. But not some 28-year-old Flash Harry in a Ferrari, who pulls up outside the school gates wearing sunglasses and takes her to nightclubs full of the sons of foreign despots, buys her Krug, and is rude to bar staff.

And not a fatty or a smoker, who will spend his short life sick, then die. But not a fitness obsessive, either, because they are so terribly boring. And not some vegan lefty type who will make her live on a commune and care about what happens to donkeys, so that I have to support her until the day I die.

But then not a super-rich man, either, because they are evil. Nor a footballer, because they are thickos and cheats. And not a politician or a banker or a lawyer or a management consultant, because they are parasites and create nothing. But then not an inventor or a farmer because they are always depressed and end up killing themselves.

A medicine man

Maybe a doctor. Doctors are useful and make a good living. But then doctors are always psychos – which comes of cutting people open. And they are always at it with the nurses. And they are so terribly smug. A dentist, on the other hand, would be perfect: useful, productive, skilled, well-paid, but usually quite humble and always with a photo of their family on the desk.

So, that’s that sorted. And really quite broad-minded of me, I think. I will allow my daughter to go out with anyone she likes, as long as he is a dentist. And not until she is old enough, of course. I’m thinking, for the sake of argument, 50.

I’m sure she will understand.

 
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