For all the magical moments and incredible experiences motherhood bestows, it does not come without it’s fair share of tribulations. The “negative” parts of becoming a mother, however, aren’t limited to stretch marks, incontinence, and crazy hormones. One such undesirable side-effect of motherhood could be being abandoned by your friends. As if being a new mother is not hard enough, what with all the sleep deprivation and sore nipples, you may now find that you have been… ghosted.
“Ghosting”: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
“Mum-ghosting”: the mysterious phenomenon whereby one gets pregnant or has a baby, and some of their friends – *poof* – disappear into thin air.
If you seem to have found yourself with a few less friends since you became a mum, you are not alone. 10 ghosted mothers tell us about that time that their so-called friends strangely disappeared on them after they had their kids – plus one mum-ghoster who is honest about why they decided to ghost their friend.
1. “My friend and lunch buddy went AWOL”
“I didn’t know it was a thing, I thought it was just me. A friend and ex-colleague was supposed to come to my maternity leaving do. We spoke the day before. She didn’t turn up, and has never given sign of life again.
It’s been almost 10 years now. It’s so weird because we used to have lunch together quite often and I just don’t know why she ghosted me.
Another friend of mine did the same; she visited once during my maternity leave and then stopped answering my messages. To be fair she had taken up boxing to a competition standard and was training like a maniac so she was pretty busy, and the other one is a workaholic, but 10 years and no sign of life? Very odd.”
- Delta J
Why do people ghost?
While most instances of “mum-ghosting” happens without explanation (the whole definition of “ghosting” implies that there is no explanation), here are a few possible reasons why a friend (or ex-friend) could have ghosted you since you became a parent:
They don’t like children. We only like our own kids anyway so we totally get it.
They don’t think it’s fun to be stuck in a house all day. The mistake here is that they somehow think that we do.
They can’t relate to your problems. Ah, what we wouldn’t give to have leak-free breasts and our libido back.
They might be grossed out. About which part? The discussion about post-birth haemorrhoids or getting baby puke in our mouth? Understandable.
They feel the massive chasm that has grown between you by way of differing interests. But why can’t we talk about the great new club in town AND the great new nipple balm?
They think that all you care about is the baby. Now that’s just not true. Well, maybe it’s a little bit true. OK, it’s mainly completely true, but there’s still a smidgeon of room left to care about other things too!
They don’t understand why you are still in your pyjamas in the afternoon. Why, what time is it?
They don’t understand why you need an early night. Sorry, fell asleep on the toilet while reading this post.
They don’t want to see your boobs. Having to feed the baby every 1.5-2 hours during those first few months means that this might be unavoidable during our coffee date.
They think that you’ve changed. Of course we’ve changed, but the basic and important foundations of our friendship – love, respect, honesty, support – that’s all still the same.
You are always tired and/or unavailable. This is also true but we still want to see our friends and are open to scheduling a date that works for everyone.
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