Mother and Baby

The Hilarious Insults Only Babies And Toddlers Can Get Away With

Section: Behaviour

As far as your toddler is concerned, he says what he sees and you know what they say – out of the mouths of babes…

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‘Why do you have lines on your face?’

They’re laughter lines, doncha know? (Image: Corbis)
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‘Your tummy is squashy’

So your post-baby stomach exercises have slightly fallen by the wayside, but if your belly didn’t have a bit of wobble, what else would your toddler jump up and down on? (Image: Corbis)
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‘Why are your teeth so yellow?’

That’ll be the 10 cups of half-drunk tea you’re currently surviving on. (Image: Corbis)
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‘Your mouth smells funny’

Usually said after a slightly tipsy cuddle, to which you swiftly reply, ‘It’s just Mummy’s special juice!’ (Image: Corbis)
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*The Face*

You know, the one your seven-month-old pulls when you try your homemade salmon, broccoli and potato puree out on him – with disastrous results. (Image: Corbis)
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‘Mummy you're fat! You've eaten too much cake’

Yes, you probably have eaten too much cake today, but you’re also 37 weeks pregnant which explains a lot… (Image: Corbis)
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‘Stop singing! You’re ruining it.’

You can’t help joining in with Hakuna Matata but your toddler is decidedly unimpressed. (Image: Corbis)
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‘Are you 56 Mummy?’

This is clearly down to wobbles with your child’s understanding of numbers, and not because he woke you up at 5.30am and it’s showing on your face. (Image: Corbis)
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‘You’re driving too fast and I feel sick.’

This is usually because your pre-schooler announced five minutes earlier that she ‘needed a wee and couldn’t hold on’. (Image: Corbis)
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*The Chuck*

Also known as *The Fling* or *The Lob*, this is when you hand over a new toy to your baby, and he hurls it contemptuously to the floor without a second glance. #Unimpressed. (Image: Corbis)
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‘That man doesn’t have any hair’

The only thing worse than your toddler insulting you in public is your toddler insulting a member of the public (usually in an extremely loud and precocious voice). Cue apologetic glance and whispered bribes for her to keep quiet and she’ll get a bag of chocolate buttons. (Image: Alamy)
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*Uncontrollable giggles*

This could be when you drop that massive bowl of porridge you’ve just cooked, or when you run naked into the bedroom. For some reason it’s hilarious for your baby, not so much for you. (Image: Corbis)
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‘You smell’

If your child had any sympathy for the fact you’d lugged a buggy and a three-year-old up and down four flights of stairs today, she’d understand why your deo is struggling right now. (Image: Corbis)
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‘Where’s Grandma?’ *Points at you*

As if you needed to be reminded that you’re turning into your mother… (Image: Corbis)
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‘My hair is blonde. Your hair is brown and silver.’

Yes, you’re proud that your pre-schooler is mastering colours, but her comments also serve as a reminder to book your next salon appointment.

What funny insults has your child said to you? Let us know in the comment box below. (Image: Corbis)

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